Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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