Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
