So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
