dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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