just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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