Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
