Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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