Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
