party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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