yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
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Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
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I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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