I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Sorry my hands just texted you
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
