Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
