Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
