you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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