I haven't been this sober since birth.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
