i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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