I just cut my nipple shaving
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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