Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
