Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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