He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
