I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
