I accidentally had phone sex last night
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
