I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
