Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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