I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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