Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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