i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
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