so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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