he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
