I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
