K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
