thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
