a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
