Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
