apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
