Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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