Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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