I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
