since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
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He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
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You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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