i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
