Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked