so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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