i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
