So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
