yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
