No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
