Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
