I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
