Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
