Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
