and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
