My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
