How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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