Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
