he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
